Sigh..

I didnt want it to be like that..

Ending it earlier.. was better.. then ending it later..

Pain now.. was better.. then suffering it later..

It was harder to break up then i thought.. Her cries.. make me realise my mistake.. it soften me..

But still i wonder..

Is it a right decision to stay together? or maybe we were better off apart..

I know what i want.. Im afraid to have it.. The doubts in me is constantly there..

And i dont know how to remove it.. Maybe if we broke.. I might find the answer and the cure to my doubts.. then i wouldn't have to torture myself... again.. maybe not..

No matter how many times she tells me she loves me.. i have doubts.. doubts on our relationship..

doubts on the bond of our relationship..

doubts of her feeling towards me.. although i know she loves me..

doubt of my true feeling towards her..

And that is why.. I'm so afraid to tell her i love her.. because.. im not even sure abt my feelings myself.. i dont wana lie.. i dont wana hurt her either.. so i chose to lie.. but does that make things better?.. or perhaps it just makes things worse..

I wonder..

i wonder..

She is true to me.. but am I true to her?.. am I the right one? i think not...

This will be painfull.. but give me time.. to rethink it.. the longer it drags the more painfull it is..

No more please.. i cant sstand it anymore.. my heart still feels the pain.. the anguish we brought to our relationship.. or maybe its just me.. i feel like crying everytime i think about it.. crying... yes.. it makes you feel better.. but only for awhile..

Maybe she was better off with some other guys who can treat her good and way better than me.. trash like me.. is just a waste of time..

Ofcourse i wana be loved.. but the love i have now from her.. are doubts.. lies... secrets.. shyness.. passiveness.. indecisiveness.. sadness.. and anger... is that what i really want?

Maybe ending 'it' would be my ultimate cure.. again.. maybe not.. but 1 thing is for sure..

She can get to be whoever she wants to be.. and definitely happier.. then sticking to a trash like me..

I need time.. and i need those for my studies too.. i need suport.. both from my beloved and friends.. and i feel guilty now..

Guilty.. of everything I've done to her.. guilty of acepting her love so blindy..

So.. the purpose of this post is to send her a msg..

I'm so sorry.. for everything that i did to you.. For everything that I have not told you.. hurt you.. insulted you.. lied to you.. and did not care abt you..

How i wish i can undo all of those mistakes i made.. but.. people learn from their mistakes..

I will move on.. and let myself decide what i want.. and what i desire.. i am not bounded by fate.. nor by destiny.. it is just me.. and myself.. =)

Ahh.. this is bad.. im embarased but.. i am actualyy kinda tearing when im posting this up.. ive never cried for a long.. long.. long.. long.. time..

P/s : SRy!! for all these emo-tic post nowadays!! abit of trouble goin on here.. wil try to recover asap to continue entertain u guys.. ^^